Welcome to the Bukowski residency, where we guarantee your comfort. We have many amenities to offer to make sure your morning routine goes smoothly.
At 4AM you will receive a complimentary wake up call accompanied by bright meowing and gentle pattings. If you do not wake up during the initial wake up call, we will check back every fifteen minutes until you rise at 5AM.
You will be escorted through the dark to the commode where you must dress and get ready with haste. Household staff will wait and accompany you down the stairs, gently tapping and tripping your ankles to ensure that you are fully awake and your reflexes are in top shape for your long work day.
Your escort will direct you to the kitchen light switch in the dark and pepper you with questions about your wellbeing. You will be expected to top off the staff food dish immediately. This will be inspected by your escort before you are allowed to assemble your lunch and drink your coffee. Your seat will be warmed for you, but be aware, proper warming temperatures take time to attain and you may have to stand for a portion if not all of your breakfast. During breakfast you will be treated to our five-star headbutt massage by one of our skilled spa therapists to loosen tight, sore muscles that remain from the previous day.
You are welcome to return to the washroom and brush your teeth as necessary. However, a household staff member will be nearby to ensure that complimentary bathroom toiletries remain unpocketed to ensure the comfort of all our guests.
Staff will gather for your farewell ceremony and will be waiting, ready and able to meet your needs when you return in twelve hours.
We fully appreciate your business at Bukowski residency, but don’t let yourself believe for a minute that our survival is dependent on you.