Reaching a self-armistice

As I walked out of spin class today and reached the warm hallway of the warehouse that leads to a cozy coffee shop, I realized something. It felt as if I had let out the biggest sigh ever. That my body had fully relaxed and my mind was, for the moment, clear. I could stand tall without the tension of the weight on my shoulders. My mind wasn’t a running jumble of ideas clamoring over each other trying to be heard.

My dream rampant nights alternate with laying awake with racing thoughts. It builds up over time, the lack of sleep, the worries that exacerbate themselves in my subconscious, the roller coaster of emotions I don’t experience while awake. I got up yesterday morning on a rampage about unfolded laundry, unstowed spices, and watered down detergent. Of course, my sister chimes ‘I think you need to spin.’ Yes, yes, I did, but I had to wait another day. An ongoing To Do list is ever present in my mind. I have to barrel through the mundane routine chores before I can even focus on my bigger bullet items. The laundry, the cleaning, the meal planning, more list making, the shopping, a writing break, the cooking, more cleaning, the wrapping, the baking and more cleaning killing time until Saturday got here.

The class itself was an hour. My first time cycling that length in an indoor studio. It’s way more intense than wheeling around the lakes. I played it conservatively on the resistance and tried to focus on endurance, breathing and recovery. Things I’ll need for next year’s Bike MS. My legs and lungs seemed to alternate giving up. First, I couldn’t catch my breath, but when I focused on that my legs lost the will to move and my number one rule is to keep moving! The window was open and the heat from the bodies created steam as tendrils of the Minnesota cold reached into the room. After class, I kept to myself, bundled up against the cold headed to the coffee shop. It wasn’t until I entered the quiet warehouse that I realized it.

I had reached a self-armistice.

My clashing Gemini twins have finally sat down and decided to work together. I feel strong wrapped in a blanket of serenity. My mind is quiet. For once it had nothing to say. I felt like I was not responsible for anything, someone else was going to take care of it. I even felt good enough to answer a phone call from my mom without hesitation! Usually I need advance notice that someone intends to call me and good luck getting a hold of me from an unknown number!

I wonder how I can feel like this all the time, because my wonky schedule doesn’t allow for an hour long spinning break every morning. Perhaps this feeling will last a day or two. Maybe it’ll be gone by the time I return home. For the moment, I’m going to enjoy my Me time.

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