It happens in a flash. You came across a photo and your initial thought is ‘he’s just not here anymore’. In an instant, you feel like you’re going to die all over again. The tens of thousands of steps you worked through to pull your broken pieces together again seem like they were never accomplished. You’re not quite at square one, but you might as well be. How else do you explain your eyes tearing up in the middle of a work day.
You don’t want to forget, but neither do you want to acknowledge what happened. You can’t pretend it didn’t, because ‘he’s just not here anymore’ and it still kills you years later. You got caught with it staring you in the face.
A knife in the heart
And you are alone.
He may be remembered by others, but he wasn’t wholly and deeply entwined with their being. Their psyche. Their comfort. A partnership shredded apart. You try to pick up the scraps and fit them together.
Who I once was just isn’t here anymore.
I’m not me without you.
It’s as if I died too.